my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
