Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
