he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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