Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
