Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
