just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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