I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
