How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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