Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
