Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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