I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
