Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
