Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
