She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
