Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
