im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize