he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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