So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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