I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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