My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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