this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
