Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
