The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
