i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
