I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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