I wish I could punch you in the face.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
