Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
