So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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