we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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