I faked an abortion last night.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
