You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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