yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
