i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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