I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize