we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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