I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
