never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
