Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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