Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Someone signed my nipple.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
