What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize