We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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