I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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