Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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