this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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