Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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