i don't like sucking hair
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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