all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
