the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
