Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
