After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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