Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
