woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
