ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
