Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
