i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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