I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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