I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
