Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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