i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
