The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
