I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
