Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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