I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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