Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Ladies don't puke and tell
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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