I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
