WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
