i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
