I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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