I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
love makes seman taste better
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
