Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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