I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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