the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
