We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
