omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize