my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
