I think I won the penis lottery.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My breasts were aching with rage.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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