i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This is the prime rib incident all over again
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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