i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
