I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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